When You're Thinking About Leaving Your Church

I remember the first time I felt the loss of someone leaving our church. I was 14 or 15, and my dad was planting a church in Corpus Christi, Texas. My best friend and her family had been attending our tiny church, and they made the decision to leave for a church with a larger youth group, as they had a couple of teenaged daughters. And I get it. I understand why it happened. Having kids of my own, I want them to be a part of a church that feels like family— that they genuinely enjoy being a part of. But at the time, it hurt. It felt really sad. 

But over the years that we've been in ministry, we have seen people leave churches for all kinds of reasons. Some of them were thoughtful and legitimate. Some of them were angry and uninformed. Some of them we never quite figured out why. Sometimes we have been the ones who left. We've wrestled with those decisions, too. Sometimes it was clear that God was moving us, and we were confident in our decision and other times, we felt like we were being run off. Those times we felt less confident. 

Here's what I do know, though. When someone leaves, for those of us who choose to stay and continue the work, it can feel like a gut punch. We have established so many friendships with people, and then we see them walk away for something bigger or better or simply somewhere that wasn't us. It can feel personal, even though I know that most of the time it really isn't. But this isn't about staying out of guilt or fear of losing friendships. Friendships can continue even once you've left a church. This is about leaving well. 

If God is calling you somewhere else, go with blessing. But if you're deciding, can I encourage you to make that decision in a way that reflects the gospel you've spent years hearing preached? 

First, evaluate your why. I have sweet friends who recently left their church because there were scandalous—even illegal— things happening there. Things that were being smoothed over, unaddressed. I practically cheered when I found out they left. They were right to leave. But we live in a consumer culture. People (not all people, but some) want to experience the big church feel, the big church worship, the amazing children's ministry, and the thriving youth group without contributing. Or without contributing much. The church is people. The church functions when the people show up and give sacrificially of their resources and their time. It rarely surprises me when someone who has never really become rooted in the life of the church decides it's time to move on. It's difficult to feel connected to a family we've never fully joined. If you're leaving because the church isn't "feeding" you or meeting your needs, ask yourself how intentionally you are discipling others or looking to meet the needs of others. Because if we are all just consuming, there's nobody left to give anything. And if you're leaving during a hard season just because it's hard, take another look at the New Testament church. Hardship was the name of the game. The faithfulness of God to us can sometimes be most evident and tangible when we are sustained through those hard seasons. It's amazing to be on the other side of one of those seasons and to look back and think, "Wow. Look at what God brought us through and what he brought us TO!" 

Second, decide what you're moving on to. For the love of all that is good and holy, find yourself another place of worship. I know it feels tempting to take a break. To free up your schedule and find some room to breathe. Take time for your family. Lazy Sunday morning brunches with family sounds like a great way to spend a month or two. I've thought all of these things. But a month will turn into six months will turn into a year and then into two. You. Need. The Church. Spiritual growth and sanctification happen in the context of community. We were never intended to grow in isolation. The New Testament assumes believers are growing together, encouraging one another, serving one another, and carrying one another's burdens. This "Jesus and Me" philosophy sounds nice, but it's not biblical. Don't walk away from your church family without walking to another one. 

Last, talk to your church. Quick disclaimer: I know those conversations aren't always possible. Some situations are unsafe. Some leaders have forfeited trust. But when it is possible, one of the marks of spiritual maturity is having an honest conversation before walking away. Your church isn't perfect. My church isn't perfect. Seasoned, mature believers know that having a conversation with church leadership about why you're leaving- or why you're thinking about it- is the right thing to do. Talking through some of the struggles you're having is helpful for church leadership to hear. It can point out things we might have overlooked. It can help be a catalyst for change that we didn't even know we needed. Those conversations can be so helpful and constructive. We sit down calmly. We bring up the issues we are having. We see if we can work things out. We pursue peace if it's possible. 

I've seen people walk out in the middle of a church service, never to be seen again. I've seen others refuse to meet with church leadership when the opportunity is offered to sit down and talk through situations. I've seen it done wrong. But I have also sat at my own kitchen table over a meal with people who explained with kindness and respect why they don't feel like they can stay. There are right, Christ-like ways to leave a church. 

I can look back over my lifetime of church membership and see the unique things that God taught me in each place. But also, I can look back and see how I couldn't return to some of those places. One of my favorite songs by Sara Groves has a great line that says, "The places that used to fit me cannot hold the things I've learned." and I feel that. 

This isn't me saying, "NEVER LEAVE YOUR CHURCH!" 

I'm just saying that there are right ways to go and right reasons to go. 

We are in a season of transition in our church. Our pastor resigned last June, and we have been in the process of looking for a new pastor. We have seen people go. I have had friends go. It's always a little heartbreaking, but I believe that this is God's church. He is responsible for the rebuilding. He oversees the repair. We just got back from South Africa, and you know what? Our church gave MORE this year to cover our trip than it has in previous years. In the middle of a hard season, our church family dug deep and acknowledged that we still have ministry to do. We still have a community to reach and impact. And you know what? I look forward to doing that. Together.