If you are looking for happy, funny, and cheery blog posts today... well, you might want to look elsewhere. I don't even know where to start. I do not use my Facebook statuses to tell of my life's problems, mainly because I despise it when others do it.
Dramatic Facebook Friend is having a horrible day today. *Sigh*
Yeah, that makes me kind of crazy. The resulting comments make me even crazier.
Hang in there, girly!
Things will get better!
What's wrong? CALL ME!!!
Yeah, it makes me kind of nuts. So I don't do it. And I never want to come across as phony or fake, and so I rarely share spiritual thoughts on my Facebook statuses. Facebook is not where I pray and read my Bible, so I don't feel the need to preach the gospel according to Jesus and Julie there. And so I stick to the ridiculous. I post only about nonsense, and I trust that people know there is more to me than what is on my Facebook posts.
But this is my blog. My world. You guys have to actually click a button to get here. The words don't just show up on your newsfeed. So I assume that if you take the time to click the link, you are willing to read whatever I have written. And today it's not all prettiness and fun stories. Today I am struggling. Over the last few days, several things have happened that caught me off guard. I wasn't prepared for them, and though seem to be small things, they changed the course of where I thought my life was headed. That's never easy. I am a planner, and I love to know what comes next. And when it doesn't go like I plan, man, I am just a mess. And that's me today.
I listened to a message by Chip Ingram a few months ago, and I clearly remember him telling a story about a man who came up to him after one of his sermons. The man explained that he never had a problem believing that God could and did answer prayer in miraculous ways and that God was capable of accomplishing the impossible through prayer. But the man said something that feels as familiar to me as my own face in the mirror.... he said "I just don't believe that He will do that for me". And that's where I am.
I have spent my whole life hearing about God and his love for us and his power and his ability to do anything. And I believe it. I believe in His plans and that they are good. I believe that he is a loving Father that wants to give good gifts to His children. I believe that He came so that we could have an abundant life. I have never had trouble believing that those things are true. But sometimes, when I look at my life, and I don't see the things that I think I should see, it's easy to believe that they don't apply to me.
I feel like my life should look different. I feel like I should be married. Single people are always afraid to say that out loud, like saying it makes everyone else think that they are desperate. I don't care. I am not desperate, otherwise I am sure I could find some weirdo to marry me. Maybe even someone who is not a weirdo, but is just not the right choice. But I would like to be married. I would like to have a permanent date for all Christmas dinners and Valentine's Day dates, someone to pose next to in pictures, someone who asks me how much money I spent at the mall, and someone to take out the trash. And I would like children. Babies. Oh yes I would. (This is another thing that single women are afraid to talk about for fear of being judged... the dreaded biological clock) But I love babies. I love their cute little faces and their tiny little feet. And when I get one, I will love it and sing to it and slather that kid in Baby Magic and just sit and sniff it. I will be super happy about it. I am not afraid to tell you that because I do not have these things, sometimes I feel a little bit cheated. I start to believe that all of God's promises do not apply to me for some reason. I feel left out.
But I have learned that feelings lie. They do not tell the truth. And if I allow the way I feel to take over my mind, then I live a miserable, defeated life. I refuse to live life based on what I feel. I always cringe at the phrase "Follow your heart" because the truth is, you can follow your heart right into a marriage with an unbeliever or an extramarital affair or a million other messes. Scripture says that my heart is deceitful and desperately wicked. I know where my heart leads, and yeah, I refuse to follow it.
I have been here before. I have been through times of doubt and struggles, and I have lived to tell about it. I have responded with the wrong things and I have also done the right things. I know how both turn out. And so I will do what I know works. I will surround myself with truth. I will listen to lots and lots of Christian music. I will quote Scripture to myself when the untrue thoughts pop into my head, and they will. I will practice Isaiah 26:3 and I will keep my eyes steadfast on Christ and I will choose to trust him for perfect peace. I will read my Bible more than I watch Netflix because faith comes by hearing and hearing comes by the Word of God. I will pray and be honest with God about how I am feeling because He knows it already. I am not hiding anything by pretending like I am fine. I will lean on my close friends, and I will accept their encouragement, even though I hate not being the tough one. I know I will come through this. I always do. And I know from experience that God is faithful to show Himself at the right times. He sends reminders that He has not forgotten me, even when I feel like maybe He has. So I will wait for those things. His grace is sufficient, and his strength is made perfect in my weakness. And right now, I am giving his strength lots of opportunity to be made perfect. So if you are a pray-er, pray with me. I don't mind asking for it. And I will report back to you about how God moves because I know from experience that He will.